(Muslim call to prayer)
(pink panther theme)
(wolf whistle)
He's going in.
(Italian opera)
Ah, Inspector!
Chief Inspector.
Chief Inspector. Hail to the chief!
Good to see you. Your disguise is ready for the final fitting.
- I’m sure you will be pleased. - Good.
- Inspector Clouseau is here! - Chief Inspector Clouseau.
Chief!
I saw some very interesting noses there.
Those noses over there are for amateurs. I have some in my private stuff.
Yes! You always did have a nose for noses.
Our Valentine's Day stuff isn't ready yet, but we have some beauties here for you.
Let's try this one first. Here's a marvellous one.
Inspector?
Shall we just get that on there?
What do you think of this?
I call this one "The Way We Were". Do you like it? It's from our Streisand line.
- Do you like it? - Mm...
No, I don't like it either. Sorry, I almost took your nose with that.
Let's try this one now. I think you will like this one very much.
It’s very suitable for your face. It fits in with your lines.
What do you think of that?
We call this one "Wino and Roses".
The veins are quite lifelike. Don't you agree?
I am particularly proud of the enlarged pores. Look at this one here.
I wasn't crazy about it either. We'll try something else.
Something's missing? How about that?
- That's very nice, isn't it? - That is a nose.
You have a nose for noses.
I always can tell immediately I see the nose.
- We call this one our "Inky Dinky Doo". - "Inky Dinky Doo"?
What do you have to go with this?
This will keep you very warm. This has a nice effect with that nose.
- That is too legal. - Too legal?
I want something that is... how can I say?
Leave it to Dr Balls.
Auguste! Look what you have done.
You're a genius.
Wait. Something is missing.
Yes. I know what's missing. Here are some teeth... on the house.
Let me see how they look.
- Perfect! - Look at this.
You are a genius at your art. My dear boy.
He's still inside. What do you want us to do when he comes out?
(man) Follow him.
Martha! Come and wrap the chief inspector's purchase, please.
(woman coughs)
I've recently been doing something very daring in a stump.
Arm and leg. Only 900 francs for the complete kit.
Yes. It has been my experience that, in an emergency, a stump can get in the way.
Martha, you remember Chief Inspector Clouseau?
I never set eyes on zis gentleman before.
Good evening, Martha.
I cannot believe my eyes!
That is because your husband is a genius, madame. A genius!
Wrap these up, if you would, please. And I want that nose to go with it.
- Impossible. - Money is no object.
That is absolutely the ugliest nose I have ever seen in my life.
It is so revolting. It is a masterpiece.
It is also Martha's own nose.
My compliments, madame. It suits you.
Thank you, Chief Inspector.
Thank you!
I will get your bill.
(blows raspberry)
(? fanfare)
(Martha sighs)
My God, Auguste, what have you done?
The left heel, cleverly built up, which gives added height and authority.
Ja? But the real secret is in the right heel.
The lifelike club-foot look is caused by a built-in spring
which digs into the ankle, causing excruciating pain.
- Very realistic, don't you think? - How soon can I have a pair?
I can have them ready for you by Wednesday.
Again, Auguste, my sincere thanks. And to you, madame.
Do you like the hand? I'll pack them up with the shoes.
It will come in handy for scratching, in case you have any hand jobs.
- We will see you soon, Inspector. - Chief Inspector.
Goodbye. We'll see you soon.
Oh, my God!
I can't stand!
I’ve never been in such pain.
Shall I kiss it and make it better?
It’s not that bad.
For the third time in the memory of modern man,
the world's largest cut diamond, the famous Pink Panther, has been stolen.
Since the reign of Akbar the Magnificent in the early 12th century,
until the recent bloodless coup
of the former Colonel, now President Sandover Haleesh,
the Pink Panther has been the symbol of continuity of the Kurfilli,
the ruling family of the tiny Middle East nation of Lugash.
(buzzer)
- Yes? - Chief Inspector Dreyfus.
Send him right in.
I came when I got your message, Commissioner.
I commend your promptness.
- You have heard of the theft in Lugash? - The Pink Panther?
Yes, of course. It is in all the papers.
Soon, I imagine, they will be sending us a request
for assistance in catching the criminals.
I have already received such a request from the president of Lugash personally.
I see. How many men did the president ask for?
Only one. Inspector Jacques Clouseau.
Clouseau?
- See that he's on the next plane. - Of course.
But, um... Commissioner.
Don't you think that someone more... conventional would, uh...
Not to take anything away from Clouseau, you understand,
but in view of the tense situation in the Middle East...
I am aware of the tense situation between you and Clouseau.
However, Lugash has requested Clouseau, and Clouseau they will have.
Your finger is in my ink.
Him!
Mm-him.
Mere!
(coughing)
(Clouseau) Ow!
What's he doing in there?
Hello.
Nice weather we're having.
I had hoped we'd finally laid to rest your obsession with Inspector Clouseau.
So had I, Doctor. So had I.
And something has happened to bring on this relapse?
No, not something.
Someone. The one.
No. No, perhaps you're right.
Some thing. He is a thing.
- Clouseau? - Yes! Clouseau!
And your compulsion to kill Clouseau, is it also back?
Oh, yes. Right back.
The thought of a world without Clouseau fills me with delight.
Like a summer with a thousand Julys.
It intoxicates my soul with, uh...
- Your eyes. - What?
"Intoxicates my soul with your eyes."
You've just lapsed into the lyrics of "You Go to My Head".
- I did? I apologise. - Never apologise for Cole Porter.
Besides, your subconscious has just confirmed what we already know.
- That Clouseau has got into my head. - Precisely.
Now, how do you suppose you are going to get him out of there?
I don't know. I don't suppose.
You are supposed to suppose and give me all the answers.
The commissioner wants him in Lugash. Let the commissioner handle it!
I don't want to know. I don't want to be there.
I want to be here with you. (whimpers)
What are you thinking, Doctor?
It wasn't Cole Porter.
It was Gillespie and Coots.
(whimpers)
(phone rings)
- Yes? - The deputy commissioner to see you.
The commissioner? Send him in immediately.
Come in, Commissioner.
I want to discuss the Pink Panther robbery.
I am at your service, Commissioner. Allow me to offer you a small cigar.
Pay no attention to them whatsoever. Let them just roll.
Read this carefully and give me your opinion.
I will read my opinion and give you yours most carefully.
Yes.
- Do you have a light? - Yes, in the top left-hand drawer.
Aught!
Ash!
I’m dancing in the rice
Just dancing in the rice
What a wonderful feeling
I’m... happy in the rice
Always happy...
Oh, allow me.
(pumping)
(clears throat)
- Excuse me. - Yes?
Clouseau called. He wants me to take him to the airport.
Then take him. Let the president of Lugash worry about his blood pressure.
- He's not going to Lugash. - What?
- He's taking the 12.15 flight to London. - To London?
He suspects the Phantom to be responsible for the robbery.
He said that since Sir Charles lives in England...
- Sir Charles lives in the South of France. - Yes, sir. Shall I tell him?
Don't bother. He would just say "I know that."
Trying to talk sense to Clouseau
is like Einstein trying to explain relativity to a "monkey".
Does Sir Charles know you're coming?
No, I want it to remain a surprise.
- Mere. - What's wrong?
Your pop-out lighter is refusing to pop out.
It’s supposed to pop out when it reaches a specific temperature.
What exactly is this specific temperature?
I don't know.
You should have checked with the factory. It is obvious that this pop-out lighter
has reached its specific pop-out temperature and is refusing to pop out.
The first rule for the car-owner - know your automobile.
- But it is your automobile. - I know that!
But it is not my pop-out lighter.
If it were my pop-out lighter, I would know the specific pop-out temperature.
Clouseau was trying to fix the lighter.
He is sure that someone planted a bomb in the car.
Yes. Someone should have... I mean, could have done that.
He wired Scotland Yard and said he was arriving in disguise.
Disguise?
What kind of disguise? Disguised as what?
He didn't say.
How are we going to tell how to look for him?
Grazie.
This is your captain speaking.
Please return to your seat and fasten your seat belt
as there is turbulence ahead. Thank you.
Whoa!
- Morning, sir. Good trip? - Yes. Thank you.
Can I help you?
Idiot!
Inspector Clouseau. I’m Drummond from Scotland Yard.
I am André Botot, mustard salesman from Dijon.
Oh...
- Can I give you a lift, Monsieur Botot? - That would be very kind of you, Mr Yard.
- Drummond. - Yes. How is Scotland these days?
- Pardon? - Scotland.
I’ve some relations who are from Scotland.
My grandmother on my father's side. I’m quite fluent in the Gaelic, you know.
Rrrrrrrrrr.
It is the night of braw bright moons on the night of gladess.
Yes.
Inspector McClaren, this is Monsieur Botot...
From Dijon. How do you do? I was just telling Sergeant Yard
about my father-in-law's sister on my sergeant's side.
Go round the back.
Ah...
At last. My own house. My own swimming pool.
My own 38-23-38.
- Telegram. - Read it to me.
"Dear Chief Commissioner. Happy birthday."
"Hope you enjoy the 3,000lb of Jell-O."
3,000lb of Jell-O?
There must be some mistake.
Where would I put 3,000lb of Jell-O?
Besides, only Clouseau would be stupid enough to send me 3,000lb of Jell-O.
Arch!
(phone rings)
Hello?
Argh!
This is Inspector Drummond of Scotland Yard.
I hope I didn't wake you up.
It’s quite all right. As a matter of fact, you did me a favour.
Who is it?
- What can I do for you, Inspector? - It’s about Inspector Clouseau.
Ml5 called and reported that Libyan agents heard a rumour
that there might be an assassination attempt against Clouseau.
Really? Who else wants to kill him?
I mean, who is behind it?
We don't know. But it comes from a reliable source.
We've told Clouseau but he just laughed and said
"The moving fingair writes."
"Fingair."
When it's Clouseau, he could mean anything.
- Do you know what time it is? - Will you shut up?!
No, not you. Tell me, where is he now?
At his hotel. I think you should call him and order him back to Paris.
Until we verify this rumour, under no circumstances allow him to go to Lugash.
- Yes? - Do you have for me the "massage"?
Oh.
- You want a massage? - If you have one for me, yes.
Why don't you try Tokyo Lil at the end of the block?
Ask for Passionflower Shirley, the Yokohama Butterfly.
- Why should I do that? - You want a massage.
Yes, but I want it from you.
Sir, I don't give massages.
- You gave me one this morning. - You're mistaken.
Don't you try the tricks anglais with me, monsieur.
I received a "massage" this morning from Inspector Quinlan of the Yard of Scotland.
- The massage! - It was you that gave it to me.
- Message. You mean message. - I know what I mean, you lunatic.
Do you or do you not have for me the "massage"?
No, sir. For you, there is no massage.
(phone rings)
- Grouse-Moor Hotel. - Inspector Clouseau.
Oh.
He just went up to his room. I'll ring.
Thank you.
(phone rings)
- Yes. This is Chief Inspector Clouseau. - (knocking)
Turn your bed down, sir.
(maid coughs)
Agh!
Yes? You were saying?
(Clouseau) Agh!
Aagh!
Now then. What was that you were saying?
(Clouseau) Aaagh!
Your massage!
Your phone.
To the airport, my good man, and drive like the wind.
Right, sir.
I knew that.
I don't want to hear another word about it.
Don't get involved! When you get mixed up with Clouseau...
- That's enough! - What are you doing?
What does it look like? I’m doing what I’ve done every morning for two years.
- But you can't! - I’m sick and tired of you telling me
- what I can do and what I can't. - Suit yourself.
I hope you like the new pool cover you ordered.
(Muslim call to prayer)
- I think you made a mistake, Colonel. - Wrong.
Never call me Colonel, Colonel Bufoni. I am now your president and I am infallible.
It says so in the new constitution.
Which you wrote when you were still a colonel.
And you were a captain, Colonel, which you could soon become again.
Yes, Mr President. It’s just that sending for Clouseau...
Was a stroke of genius. He found the Pink Panther before, he will find it again.
Possibly. And then?
Then... the grateful people of Lugash will shower me, President Haleesh,
with praise and honour... and their daughters.
And the insurance companies,
the ones which have already paid our government's claim of 12 million dollars
for the theft of the Pink Panther,
what will they shower you with?
Why didn't you mention this before I sent for Clouseau?
You've only just told me that you'd requested assistance
from somebody else's police force.
- Maybe we can withdraw the request. - Not "we", Mr President. "You."
Only you can't. Clouseau's plane at this very minute is winging its way to Lugash.
Well, perhaps he won't find the Pink Panther.
Perhaps he won't reach Lugash.
- Colonel, you wouldn't... - To save my president.
Do what you must, Colonel.
Just don't tell me about it.
A president's conscience must be unblemished.
You understand my meaning, General?
As the hand understands the glove.
Oh, great one.
(whimpering)
(doctor) Try to get control of yourself, my friend.
Giving in in this way is not healthy.
If I were healthy, why would I be here, Doctor?
I was referring to your blood pressure.
I see. He's such a maniac, such an idiot, such a fool.
And such a lucky fool.
He would fall backwards down a manhole
and wind up in the arms of Brooke Shields.
And now London, half in ruins.
Lugash, a helpless little desert country,
- about to be devastated. - You must get hold of yourself.
Yes, I’m trying.
You don't want to end up at Happy Acres again.
No. But, Doctor, until Clouseau is out of my hair,
out of my life for ever, I’m doomed.
I’ll never smile again.
Frank Sinatra with the Pied Pipers and Tommy Dorsey.
I’m falling apart and you go down memory lane with your silly jazz!
(phone rings)
They know not to interrupt me when I’m with a patient, unless it is an emergency.
- Allô? - Emergency call for the Inspector.
It would seem the emergency is not mine... but yours.
Yes, Dreyfus.
- I have terrible news for you. - What?
Inspector Clouseau's plane is missing.
- You are sure? - Yes, positive. I'm> sorry.
- I’ll be right there. - OK, Inspector.
Thank you.
Doctor Longet... goodbye!
You see before you a man reborn!
Cured. Sane. Sound as a Swiss franc.
- The phone call was good news? - Wonderful news.
Clouseau's plane is overdue and presumed lost, into the sea.
Lost into the sea and out of my life for ever!
I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair.
I know. Mary Martin, South Pacific.
(laughs)
I’m going to wash that man right outta my hair
Agh!
(crash)
She's here. Come in.
I think this is a mistake. Tell her I'm out of town on a case.
- Do you think that's wise? - Is talking to her wise?
You were his immediate superior.
"Were." You really think he's... past tense?
- It seems possible. - It would be wonderful.
Sooner or later, a persistent reporter, like Marie Jouvet...
But what can I say? What can I tell her?
- That I thought him an imbecile? - No.
That I thought him the luckiest man in the world with the brain of a retarded clam?
Of course not.
You know he was an idiot, I know he was an idiot,
but to everyone else he was the greatest detective since Sherlock Holmes.
- If I tell the truth... - Then don't. He's gone.
Give them the hero they want. It’s no skin off your nose.
But is he really gone?
I've got this ghastly feeling that one of these days - next week or tomorrow -
I’ll open the trunk of my car or my closet and "Peekaboo!"
But even so, I really don't think you have a choice.
What if I don't bring it off? You know me where Clouseau is concerned.
My emotions are just lurking below the surface like a floating mine.
- Oh, God. I can't do it. - You can do it.
I can do it? Yes, I can do it.
No, you do it.
Miss Jouvet.
Ah, Miss Jouvet. How nice of you to come.
Please, make yourself comfortable. Pull up a clam.
How would you describe Inspector Clouseau?
Well... I've never known a man like him.
He was... He was unique.
- (Marie) Could you be more specific? - (Dreyfus) I could be, but...
To start with, he was...
unorthodox.
- In what way? - In every way.
- Can you give me an example? - An example.
For instance, to keep himself constantly alert to any attack,
he instructed his Chinese manservant to attack him
wherever and whenever he could.
That's not only unorthodox, it'>s bizarre.
- He sounds like a real nut. - Shut up!
There were rumours that you and he didn't get along.
Well...
I suppose we occasionally had our little disagreements,
but when you work with somebody for 20 years
you can't always be expected to see...
to see... I mean, to see eye to eye.
Then you think he was a good detective?
He was... I think he was...
You can't just say he was...
There are no words to describe what he really was.
How about "genius"?
That is a word.
- Courageous? - Courageous?
Oh, courageous.
The president twice decorated him for bravery.
Right.
- That sounds like a courageous man. - It certainly sounds that way.
He was reputed to be a great athlete.
(Dreyfus sniggers)
You have no idea what an athlete he was.
A karate black belt?
- A black belt? - Expert marksman. A born leader.
Inspector, I'm so sorry.
Gee, he's crying.
- Hello? - This is Bruno. I want a meeting.
- Who with? - Everybody.
OK, boss.
(ripping)
Aagh!
Aaagh!
You mean it was part of your job to attack him like that?
Oh, yes.
Well, Cato. I'm back on the case.
Ah-ha!
Now to set the trap, catch the killer
and prove to the world that Maria Gambrelli is innocent... of murder.
We must accelerate our training.
Attack me whenever and wherever I least expect it. Give no quarter.
- Didn't anyone ever get hurt? - Oh, yes. Mostly me.
There was one time, however, when the Mafia imported a ninja.
The inspector thought the ninja was me.
- (Marie) Poor ninja. - I know just how he felt.
Now, with your boss gone, no more sneak attacks.
You must be very relieved.
Not entirely.
Sometimes, when you do something long enough, you miss it even if it was painful.
What do you think happened to the inspector?
- Beats me. - (phone rings)
Inspector Clouseau's residence.
One moment, please.
It's for you.
- Allô? - This is Sergeant Duval speaking.
I have that information for you.
Clouseau's former assistant, Hercule Lajoy,
is living on a river barge called The Moth.